It seems like an oxymoron doesn't it? An adult teen? Yet, my family falls into that fun category. My brother's younger daughter is 19, living at home, causing her parents all kinds of heartache, yet legally an adult and theoretically not subject to their rules and opinions.
Let me preface this whole post by saying I love everyone involved, dearly. Dearly! And I fully admit that the best parenting expert is someone who has no children. In this case, it's someone who has no teenage children.
As I observed it, my niece, who is beautiful and brilliant, needle her parents with some valid issues and other things that were out of left field. It was humorous to watch her debate because when someone (me) who was unemotional and methodical about it asked tough questions she immediately went to a line of statements like "it's not my fault my parents had me." and "it's their job to deal with me." To me, that was the equivalent of throwing up a white flag of surrender.
As I tell my brother all the time, I'm just taking notes. One day I will also have two teenagers who will drain the color from my hair and elasticity from my facial skin. I fully expect the desire to take up smoking and drinking as a means of stress relief as daily massages and facials are too pricey.
Today I watched my sister-in-law fall into every trap my niece set. Each thing was like worm on a hook and my poor sister-in-law was a big trout, chomping at them all then sitting in silence and stewing. Her digital camera had photos of my niece smooching a guy she met while visiting. She showed up later than planned to say goodbye to the family before they left to go home. Her new "friend" slid into a comfort level with our family that made me...well...uncomfortable. My brother said he was a very confident guy. I wonder if it was actually insecure putting on a good act because before she left my niece was convinced he had a lot of money despite working out Outback and driving a 1998ish Corolla with heavy body damage and no hub-caps. No judgement, though. I was young once too.
They have a 12 hour drive home today. My brother has always preferred to drive through the night. I scoffed...I would just get too tired. Today I gave him credit for his strategic planning. Twelve hours between the hours of 6:00 PM and 6:00 AM gives him at least a few hours of silence as his wife and daughter break from fighting and sleep. The man is a genius!
So what notes have I taken during the past 7 days? Here's a synopsis.
1. It's really important for parents to be on the same team.
2. When kids cross over into the age where they are making independent and adult decisions, there is little you can do to control them. The best you can shoot for is guidance and suggestion.
3. I have lived to regret some decisions I've made. My children will do the same and while it'll hurt and there will be disappointment, that type of experiential learning is priceless. It can't be prevented even if it sucks.
4. Rules and standards have to be finite and concrete. A child, legally adult or not, need to know, understand and adhere to them. Adult children who refuse too are making a choice to not live with us any longer.
Sometimes I think it's not fair that my older brother has to be my teacher as it seems that his struggles turn into my guide book. His lessons learned are paid forward, I guess, so they aren't for nothing. I just wish I could repay him for all the free schooling. Note to self - if I ever win the lottery, he gets a cut!
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